Lodestone..

Familiar Pull by MNCRiami

I cannot say if the feeling is mutual.
But I do not expect it to be.
'Cause I do not know your side.
I only know mine though..
I'm not even sure if I'm fully acquainted with it.
I cannot even discern what I must feel or how I must embrace this bewilderment.
I feel a familiar strangeness within--the one I felt aeons of aeons ago..
when I first felt my heartbeat rise and fall in rhythm.
Why do I have to experience such tipsy-turvies again?
So who is to blame in all these?
Is it me..who is being dragged almost effortlessly into your gravity?
Or is it you who overtly or covertly drag me into your flames?
Is there really a need for anyone to blame?
Or is it just all a misunderstanding?
A treachery perhaps, played on me by the most wretched of my brains?
How unfathomable this is..
Though it doesn't cost so much of me nor a bit of a pressure.
It's not a pain in my heart.
It does not destroy my core.
It just put into distraught reasons and logic remaining.
And slowly.. ever so slowly pulls me into something currently unknown.

The last chapter is closed..or partially, I guess..

PUP North Wing, 6th floor by MNCRiami

I did not want you to fall for me just because of the things I did for you--
for the songs I wrote and sang, the compositions I made, and the other things I silently just did to describe my feelings for you.
I wanted you to fall for me for just how you saw me back then.
I wanted you to fall in love with me naturally.
Not just as gratitude for my deeds..
But well it didn't happen.
I understand though..
Things just don't happen as you expected them to be..
And someone won't just easily and suddenly feel the same way for you.

After all those predicaments involving me concerning you..
I did opt to fall out of love from you..
I also chose to move on and let you go..
..that I never anticipated would happen after years of just regarding you..

Now that all are said and done..
All those things I did for you (which were also for me)
were just a part of my memory..
a part of my life history
a part of what you were to me.
It is not my current reality anymore.
All I have with me now are the remnants of those sentiments I had for you...

products of my subconscious..

Pen and paper are my harbour
They color my darksome core
They are my only companion
In every encounter with my soul..

Whenever I hold a pencil or anything that writes, and put some pressure in it, and swirl and sweep it around the paper; it's like I'm pouring with it all emotions that I've been holding in.
It's so sublime..more so when I see the end result. It lightens up the burden within.. :)

Stubborn Heart

War of heart and mind by MNCRiami

Here again..

Sitting in this tiny room, reveling with the sound of raindrops seemingly dropping atop my head..

In this rainy dawn, in the comfort of some warmth left inside me,

I’m cherishing with the thoughts of you..

 

When someone asks me, “Do you still love that person?”—even without mentioning a name, or any other, all my mind could come up with was you.. and I would say no.

But why in the first place would I think of you

and even say no if you're not the one in my mind anymore?

It is stupid, yes.

It is more than stupid just trying to articulate these things about me that involve you.

It is even more like an imbecile just thinking of you and how I felt and feel about you.

Years have passed.

People have come in and out of my life entertaining me as they go,

saying things that I wanted and I hoped for;

though not the things I wanted and hoped for from them, but from you.

We have been in a great distance from each other for many years, but whenever I see you, even just in the virtual reality created by technology, and every time we come in contact with each other, it seems like we did not part at all.

You’re still you.

It’s like you never changed the way you treated me, then and now.

Yes you never changed how you treated me... still just like an old friend whom you value... but it was just not the same for me, even now.

I loved you, and I know you never felt the same as I did even when you told me you loved me before, and I've known it all along...but I've felt you--for at least you tried...

and now I’m confused if I still do love you or if it was just a trick played on my mind by my own heart..

I talk to you and mingle with you casually just like a close friend will do, but every time, every time you look at me the way you do, my mind falters.

Remember when I sang for you?

My heart skipped some beat.

My fingers went a little numb.

And my voice failed some notes and tried hard to harmonise with my mind.

I almost dropped my poor guitar.

And I STILL don’t know why.

Why, out of all those people who came in and out of my life who told me they love me or care for me, it was only you who made me feel this way for so long.

Even without saying such things, even with just appearing on my doorstep,

even with just looking at me in the eye, even without much effort, you could make me feel like it’s the first time I fell in love.

Those worn out and direful used up expressions of love come into mind and literally happens.

My heart races then stops.

My mind goes blank, like in a state of shock.

I get butterflies in my stomach.

I even shiver and even have to struggle just to put up an unaffected expression whenever you’re around.

Here, inside my nostalgia, I'm relishing the remaining pieces of memory you left behind.. you left in my stubborn heart.

And I hope this stubborn heart backs down and harden up..

I want you out..
I want you out of this heart and mind..

Luha

Hindi totoong walang nagagawa ang pag-iyak sa isang problema..

Hindi totoong walang naitutulong ito.

Maaari mang hindi nito maayos o malunasan ang sakunang kinakaharap mo, ngunit hindi mo pansin na kung wala ito, malamang baliw ka na ngayon.

Sa katunayan, nalilinis nito ang dumi sa ating mga mata, kasama ng mga duming nakapagpapagulo sa ating isipan ay naaalis din nito ang mabigat na dalahin na ating dinaramdam sa ating kalooban.

Kaya't pagkatapos mong umiyak, dapat lang na mas magaan na ang loob mo, pag hindi pa e subukan mong magbawas o maligo o kaya kumain, baka yun lang ang kulang sa'yo. Aba'y kung hindi pa rin, magpakonsulta ka na sa Doktor, kung maaari pa, sa Sikolohista (Psychologist)!

Wag nga lang masosobrahan sa pag-iyak, tiyak na sasakit ang ulo mo at pwede ka pang magkasakit o magkasipon.

Marami nang baliw sa mundo, wag nang dagdagan. Kung may nararamdaman, wag mong itago, ilabas lang yan! Ilabas lang nang ilabas! ;))

The First

They say that the first time you fall in love, it changes your life forever, and no matter how hard you try, the feeling never goes away.

I admit, I had fallen in love once… But it was an extraordinary love (for me).

Yeah all the same, we also started as friends then got so close and the next thing I knew I was deeply in love.

But what is not ordinary is that we are in the same gender.. I never even thought that I'd fall in love with her. She was a girl/femme/lesbian or what ever they call it. And I was an overstated innocent high school student. And a time came that it just all changed.

It was so intense that I didn’t know at that time that the things that I was doing for that person were too much and that I had become too pushy in some aspects.

The whole period of time I spent with that person was life changing.

I had a lot of firsts though all of those things were premature.

First time I have experienced a totally different world from what I was only acquainted of at that time.

First time I had weird sensations of butterflies running my whole body and making me weak every time that person holds even the slightest strand of my hair or caress my hand… Small things like that could set my mind in feasting chaos back then.

First time someone who’s not a part of my family hugged me like hugging even my core that I even felt warm and secured.

First time someone I really loved actually loved me back though not in the same intensity I did.

We just had it for a little while... or I guess it was just me who had it in a little while… But it really left a deep mark in my life.

Now it has been four years since then, but I still don’t know when I really fell out of love or just let that person go and let myself move on.

So… did the feeling go away?

Yes and no?

I think the things I felt back then was just a memory now that I unconsciously or consciously go back to from time to time—every time something makes me remember them.

Did I really fell out of love?

That.

I did not know.

Playing with words and the four-letter word

heart beat (negative) by MNCR

Forget and remember or just forget altogether.

Was I ever good in words?

All I know is that I don’t know how to express myself in right terms.

I do not even know how to touch people’s hearts with things I say, write and do.

Well, some of the closest to me do, but majority uh uh.

I guess I have forgotten how I’ve constructed them.

I have lost the drive that had let me put in words all that I wanted to say, all that I wanted that one person to know.

And I do not know now.

I have forgotten how one falls in love, or if one ever does at all.

That’s why I wanted to remember.

I wanted to know how it feels again, or how it had felt.

LOVE? All I have of it now is the love for myself, my family, and my friends.

Love for a partner? All that was left are remnants here in my heart—and its not even enough to want to see that person. And there's bonus for the scars.

LOVE? I’m not even certain anymore if I had truly felt that in the past.

All that’s left now are vague and biased memories of it all.

And here’s what I think of it now…

There is a time, when you are living an ordinary life, doing what you need to do, of mostly what others told you to do. And there, that person arrives at the scene, makes some changes, modifies a bit to your daily routine, and voila! You begin to have a different everyday.

Then one evening, you realize your similarities and differences, and you begin to think if you are already friends, and he/she says so. You both go out when you are free. You talk and laugh and share woes and part of yourselves with each other, and you start to be close. And you can chitchat about everything you can think of. Then one opportune time, you come to think of all you’ve done with him/her. You start to think if there’s more to what you feel. Sometimes you even deny it, perhaps even ignore it. Then you think of him/her more than you think of other things. When you’re together, it’s more often you smile or laugh than get serious at all. And you get closer.

…

…

…

…

…

…

He/she starts to look different, feel different, or sense differently altogether.

You start to do things for him/her. You allot most of your time for that person.

You get distracted when that person is near, and you can’t resist but to look at him/her.

Then you reconsider your feelings. “Is it love? Admiration? Or a mere infatuation?”

Then there comes, “..but we are friends.”

Then you think of what that person feels.

You get hints. S/he gets hints.

You both start to feel awkward beside each other. In a room, you both feel anxious. Then he/she reconsiders her/himself.

One evening comes and you talk about it. Whoever is dominant (or more as a lover) of the two asks who loves who. Sometimes it can be very awkward, sometimes it can be as easy as asking a security guard for a location.

Then there comes a comprehensive-exam-like discussions. Yeah. Sometimes the answer doesn’t come easy (depending on the personality or merely in the mode of communication—if in person or in communicable devices).

Someone can be a bit blunt. Someone can be a bit furious or stunned or horrified and the list goes on.

But one thing’s for sure. It can end/start in a two-way lane or a one-way road—A two-way lane where each one goes in two different directions or a one-way road where both mutually agreed to go.

And when you both realize that you feel the same about each other, but differently from your relationship before, there goes a couple. Then the routine has completely changed.

You, yourself change too. You become biased. You see the day ahead depending on the mood of your relationship. If you don’t have a fight, then your day can be a very nice one. You see the good in the sun, in the rain, or even in the traffic. You feel light, almost euphoric.

On the other hand, when your relationship on that day is out of joint, you get frantic the whole day, grumpy even, or just as serious as a terror teacher.

While growing up, a lot of priorities arise. If you’re studying, sometimes you might need a lot of time. If you’re on a job, you need a lot more time and energy. Of course you also have other friends whom you might forget at times when you’re with your lover. You also have a family, and then sometimes you might just rarely think of yourself. Then you need to set your priorities before all of it go wrong.

You both get serious. Sometimes, you barely look at each other because of busy schedules. Some of the time, you meet and yet so tired, but a lot of times you understand each other. You talk on the phone when you cannot meet. You eat together when it’s break time. And one of you goes to the other when free. One gets surprises every occasion. And you still get along well in spite of the struggles and interfering priorities.

Then some of it go wrong at this one time. Someone has forgotten a date or one forgets to communicate at all, or one just got tired of it all, or one just got it all wrong. Then you start to fight. You have longer fights plus you don’t see each other much anymore.

Then snap! One just says as easy as “Let’s cut it out.” Or it might be just “Let’s have a break.” Or it could be “Let’s just be friends again,” which could be better or worse. And it could also turn out to the worst like you don’t want to see each other anymore.

And sometimes it could be the end of it all, and end in the two-way lane. Some other time, you just need to pass the time, to rethink your actions and get back again to each other. Then some waits for the other while the other chooses to just move on and move to another prospect. Some chooses to be alone or just to live an ordinary life once again. And it could be like a cycle or have it end in one person.

Oh yeah. Love. What do I really know about it? Twist and turns. It has complications. Sometimes, it could be lie and deception. Sometimes it’s just a mistake of the mind. Sometimes you both hurt. Sometimes only one is hurt. It could begin and continue good or it could just end there or end in bad terms.

Well, sometimes I still wish to experience more of it at present, but there’s no luck to it now. I guess it’s not yet the right time for it, or not yet the right time for me.

But it’s there. I know.

And all I could do now is wait.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

wait for myself to get ready and wait for that probably unlucky person into my life..

So am I still good at it?..at expressing myself in words?

Well.. I'm just playing with words and that twisted four-letter word.

Ours was better backwards..

We never see each other now. I have accepted the things that may never be for me. I moved on.

We’ve got no extra time.

We met a few intimate times.

We still talked to each other, telling me you've moved on.

I told you I was always here for you. You constrained yourself.

You’ve been hurt, almost died and been broken into tiny little pieces just like I did. I could just watch.

You’ve found another and you fell in love. You stayed away. I felt bad and watched from afar.

You blamed and hated me. I hated you at most.

I cried so hard and cursed at you and killed you in my mind when you told me you were never coming back.

The next thing I knew, we were happy again.

I cried in disbelief.

You told me if we could just be friends.

My heartbeat weakened and turned sluggish every single day until it almost stopped.

I realized you never actually told me that you love me. It was short lived. We stayed close to each other a few more times. I felt so happy and alive with fluttering butterflies in my stomach. We exchanged “I love you” for many times. I fell in love. We got so close. We became good friends. We found time.

It all ended up when I saw your face, when our eyes met for the first time and a sudden feeling of curiosity played in my mind that we could be close to each other.

I was happy.

And now how can I even miss what has never even existed in the first place..

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This entry is inspired by http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/2010/07/world-is-better-backwards.html

which is of course, much much better...  ^_^