Playing with words and the four-letter word

heart beat (negative) by MNCR

Forget and remember or just forget altogether.

Was I ever good in words?

All I know is that I don’t know how to express myself in right terms.

I do not even know how to touch people’s hearts with things I say, write and do.

Well, some of the closest to me do, but majority uh uh.

I guess I have forgotten how I’ve constructed them.

I have lost the drive that had let me put in words all that I wanted to say, all that I wanted that one person to know.

And I do not know now.

I have forgotten how one falls in love, or if one ever does at all.

That’s why I wanted to remember.

I wanted to know how it feels again, or how it had felt.

LOVE? All I have of it now is the love for myself, my family, and my friends.

Love for a partner? All that was left are remnants here in my heart—and its not even enough to want to see that person. And there's bonus for the scars.

LOVE? I’m not even certain anymore if I had truly felt that in the past.

All that’s left now are vague and biased memories of it all.

And here’s what I think of it now…

There is a time, when you are living an ordinary life, doing what you need to do, of mostly what others told you to do. And there, that person arrives at the scene, makes some changes, modifies a bit to your daily routine, and voila! You begin to have a different everyday.

Then one evening, you realize your similarities and differences, and you begin to think if you are already friends, and he/she says so. You both go out when you are free. You talk and laugh and share woes and part of yourselves with each other, and you start to be close. And you can chitchat about everything you can think of. Then one opportune time, you come to think of all you’ve done with him/her. You start to think if there’s more to what you feel. Sometimes you even deny it, perhaps even ignore it. Then you think of him/her more than you think of other things. When you’re together, it’s more often you smile or laugh than get serious at all. And you get closer.

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He/she starts to look different, feel different, or sense differently altogether.

You start to do things for him/her. You allot most of your time for that person.

You get distracted when that person is near, and you can’t resist but to look at him/her.

Then you reconsider your feelings. “Is it love? Admiration? Or a mere infatuation?”

Then there comes, “..but we are friends.”

Then you think of what that person feels.

You get hints. S/he gets hints.

You both start to feel awkward beside each other. In a room, you both feel anxious. Then he/she reconsiders her/himself.

One evening comes and you talk about it. Whoever is dominant (or more as a lover) of the two asks who loves who. Sometimes it can be very awkward, sometimes it can be as easy as asking a security guard for a location.

Then there comes a comprehensive-exam-like discussions. Yeah. Sometimes the answer doesn’t come easy (depending on the personality or merely in the mode of communication—if in person or in communicable devices).

Someone can be a bit blunt. Someone can be a bit furious or stunned or horrified and the list goes on.

But one thing’s for sure. It can end/start in a two-way lane or a one-way road—A two-way lane where each one goes in two different directions or a one-way road where both mutually agreed to go.

And when you both realize that you feel the same about each other, but differently from your relationship before, there goes a couple. Then the routine has completely changed.

You, yourself change too. You become biased. You see the day ahead depending on the mood of your relationship. If you don’t have a fight, then your day can be a very nice one. You see the good in the sun, in the rain, or even in the traffic. You feel light, almost euphoric.

On the other hand, when your relationship on that day is out of joint, you get frantic the whole day, grumpy even, or just as serious as a terror teacher.

While growing up, a lot of priorities arise. If you’re studying, sometimes you might need a lot of time. If you’re on a job, you need a lot more time and energy. Of course you also have other friends whom you might forget at times when you’re with your lover. You also have a family, and then sometimes you might just rarely think of yourself. Then you need to set your priorities before all of it go wrong.

You both get serious. Sometimes, you barely look at each other because of busy schedules. Some of the time, you meet and yet so tired, but a lot of times you understand each other. You talk on the phone when you cannot meet. You eat together when it’s break time. And one of you goes to the other when free. One gets surprises every occasion. And you still get along well in spite of the struggles and interfering priorities.

Then some of it go wrong at this one time. Someone has forgotten a date or one forgets to communicate at all, or one just got tired of it all, or one just got it all wrong. Then you start to fight. You have longer fights plus you don’t see each other much anymore.

Then snap! One just says as easy as “Let’s cut it out.” Or it might be just “Let’s have a break.” Or it could be “Let’s just be friends again,” which could be better or worse. And it could also turn out to the worst like you don’t want to see each other anymore.

And sometimes it could be the end of it all, and end in the two-way lane. Some other time, you just need to pass the time, to rethink your actions and get back again to each other. Then some waits for the other while the other chooses to just move on and move to another prospect. Some chooses to be alone or just to live an ordinary life once again. And it could be like a cycle or have it end in one person.

Oh yeah. Love. What do I really know about it? Twist and turns. It has complications. Sometimes, it could be lie and deception. Sometimes it’s just a mistake of the mind. Sometimes you both hurt. Sometimes only one is hurt. It could begin and continue good or it could just end there or end in bad terms.

Well, sometimes I still wish to experience more of it at present, but there’s no luck to it now. I guess it’s not yet the right time for it, or not yet the right time for me.

But it’s there. I know.

And all I could do now is wait.

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wait for myself to get ready and wait for that probably unlucky person into my life..

So am I still good at it?..at expressing myself in words?

Well.. I'm just playing with words and that twisted four-letter word.